Dear Thurston

From Sassy magazine. Just about the best magazine that ever existed. R.I.P. Sassy.

There's this guy that I really like. He tells everyone that he doesn't even like me as a friend, but when we're alone together we do things that are reserved for people who think of each other as more than friends. What do I do?
A friend, more, or less? Huntley, IL

The guy's a jerk. I know that won't discourage you from liking him, but he's got a major personality flaw: disrespecting you. Be careful of this kind of butthead, because his sleaze behavior may rub off on you, and then your life will become more and more hellish. Next time you're alone with him and he tries to get "friendly," tell him your friend Thurston Moore wants to kick his ass. And then tell him why.

I'm in sixth grade, and I like a boy in fifth, but he's going out with a ninth grader (total slut). She's only going out with him because I like him, but he doesn't see it. I know he likes me because every time I talk about another guy, he gets jealous. What should I do?
Karen, New York, NY

You know, it's kinda hard to dissuade a fifth grader from going out with a ninth grader. Especially if she's a "total slut." But you might want the dude to find out the hard way about the difference between love and lust. Wait until Ms. Ninth Grader drops Mr. Fifth Grader for someone else. He'll be bent out of shape, and it'll be up to you to decide if he's worth helping up out of the gutter. If he realizes your kindness and shows affection, you'll be lucky. If not, look around for someone a little smarter.

I am 15 years old and have extremely large breasts. I'm not going to get into exactly how big they are, but they're way bigger than a triple-D. Everyone that I meet, guys especially, wants to get to know me because of that. The girls try to act like they're fake. What to do?
Big-busted in Brooklyn, NY

Large breasts are a very attractive asset. Some people are turned off by them, but they are a minority. You're going to have to be proud of yourself and accept the fact that a lot of people are going to give you grief. Large breasts or large buttocks or large anything will attract attention to the person who's got 'em, but so what? Laugh all those idiots off and smile to the fact you have something special.

My first problem is that the boys I like who like me back are kinda shy about making a first move. The second prob is that I am like this too! Can you give me some tips on first-move making that won't be scary for either of us?
Not gettin' any, Fresno, CA

Shyness is cool, and if you want to hang out with somebody equally shy, a movie is a good idea because then you don't have to talk so much. And when the movie's over, you at least have something immediate to relate to. I know asking someone out is easier said than done, but come on, you only live once! I should talk, though. I couldn't even look at girls I was attracted to without blacking out.

I'm a lonely 14 year-old. I'm not pretty, outgoing or interesting. Why do guys only like beautiful girls? Anonymous

Because the majority of guys are too stupid and insensitive to realize a person like you may possess qualities of beauty. Become aware of what's beautiful within you and cultivate it. Don't be afraid of men. Be true to yourself, and hopefully an honest love will come your way. The more you have confidence and belief in your own beauty, the more likely this is to happen.

There's this really bitchy girl at my school. I can't stand her! I really wanna kick her butt, but if I do, I won't be able to go on the eighth grade trip, and I could get expelled. Pissed off, Rosemead, CA

Ignore her. That'll be worse than kicking her butt. She'll probably be in your face even more, though, so be careful. And anyway, eight years from now you probably won't even remember her. Either that or you'll be best friends.

Every time something goes wrong and I'm around, I get blamed. Even people I don't know blame me for things. Blamed in Stratford, CT

Next time someone blames you for something, look 'em straight in the face I and ask, "How may I correct this situation?" This will startle and dumbfound them. Then go up and kiss them lightly on the cheek and whisper, "No matter what happens, I will always love you." As you back away, grab your head and scream bloody murder and run like the wind.