I was inspired to write this by my most excellent chum and compadre, Daniel (also known as Corey Haim). I must also credit Miss S., as she provided the ideas behind the food and alcoholic beverage selections.
A Batman Scorned
Batman & Robin are solvin' some crime, popping baddies' tires and that. There is unspoken sexual tension between the pair of crimefighting buddies, but neither of them have gotten up the nerve to make some action. But it is somewhat understood that it is Robin who has the boner for Batman, who enjoys this quiet affection but has never returned it quite in the way Robin would like.
They are driving home from their latest escapade when Robin suddenly sees the most incredibly beautiful mango in the green grocer's. This mango is luscious and smooth, with a perfect balance of green and red or whatever colour mangos are.
His mind stops in its tracks, entranced by this gorgeous mango. "I must have it," he thinks.
Batman, out of the corner of his eye, cannot help but notice Robin staring at this fruit. "What's going on here?" he wonders. "Usually Robin stares at MY smooth round pantsmango after a night of hard hot crime."
Chapter Two
"Alfred, fetch me some fruit juice would you, old chap?" Robin said as soon as they arrived home at the Bat Cave.
"Certainly, young Robin," Alfred the butler replied, but not without arching an eyebrow in bemusement.
Batman observed this brief exchange and frowned. Usually HE was the one giving orders. He suddenly thought back to last Saturday's S&M orgy. Alfred took his orders then, oh yes he did.
Batman and Robin went to the drawing room and stripped off their crimefighting suits. Batman's was made of black rubber and leather. The leather was for the sex appeal; the rubber was because he sometimes had accidents on the job. Robin's was made of bright green, yellow and red lycra. He wasn't really sure why.
Batman, watching Robin undressing, noticed the strange dreamy expression on his face. Batman frowned once again. Usually Robin could barely tear his eyes away when Batman undressed himself, especially when he rubbed the lotion on his skin. Batman's mind drifted back to the day he told Robin that if he didn't rub the lotion on his skin, he would get the hose. He tenderly remembered the boyish fear in Robin's eyes at the moment of imagining the hose.
Of course, it was nothing like the look in his eyes when he imagined Batman's hose. That had been a look of lust and wonderment. This sudden thought jolted Batman back to the present moment. Robin WASN'T looking at Batman's hose, and Batman suddenly, unexpectedly, felt hurt.
They sat naked in their leather chairs, just like they always did every Sunday. Their skin, still sticky from the chase, stuck to the chairs. It was not an unpleasant feeling. Batman always enjoyed it, and he knew that Robin did too.
Robin sat, staring into the fire as he sipped his chilled fruit juice. The feeling of the cold liquid going down his throat was most sensual and he felt goose bumps rise on his arms. He could taste the mango, and he closed his eyes as a rush of ecstasy came over him.
His eyes suddenly shot open and he glanced in Batman's direction. "I must not let him see me like this," Robin thought, quickly glancing back at the fire.
Batman saw it all though, because he had secret eyes in the back of his head.
"Should I tell Robin how I feel?" he wondered.
Chapter Three
"Batman, I'm just popping out for a bit, is that okay? Do you need me for anything?" Robin asked the next morning, on his way out.
There was a brief silence in the air before Batman replied. The tension from last night had only grown. Batman had stayed up late into the night, waiting for Robin to sneak into his room for a spoon, as he always did, but last night he did not. The disappointment Batman felt was immense.
"No, Robin, that's fine. Have fun." Batman stared into his drink resignedly. He was sitting in the dark library.
"Super!" Robin exclaimed in excitement. Then, realising that he had to hide this, he tried to play it down by saying, "Erm, I'm only really going for some Pop Tarts. I just can't get enough of them lately, I'm so glad you introduced them to me. I'll get you some pickled eggs and fruit loaf, I know how much you enjoy them."
Batman closed his eyes in pain. He knew Robin was lying. He probably wouldn't even remember to get the wonderful pickled eggs. In a pained voice, he managed to utter, "Okay, Robin. Thank you. I'll see you later." He heard the door slam shut as Robin yelled "bye!"
~*~
Robin almost ran down to the green grocer's, he was so excited to see his mango. He skipped joyfully down the road in his green and yellow superboots. His green cape blew behind him jauntily in the wind. It matched his mood.
"I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love!" he thought as he skipped. He felt like singing it. "And finally, with someone who will return my affections. Not like Batman. Oh the pain that man has caused me..."
Robin finally arrived at the Foddertwon green grocer. He saw the mango glistening in the sunlight. It was so beautiful that it made tears spring to his eyes. He longed to hold it in his hands and caress it. He breathed in deeply. "Only a few more moments before I hold you in my arms," he thought.
He reached the front of the queue.
"Yes, sir?" the green grocer asked.
Robin took another deep breath. "A mango, please," he said, and lifting his quivering arm, pointed. "That one, please."
The green grocer raised an eyebrow and smiled. He could see that young Robin was in love. And he knew what that was like, being an out vegesexual himself.
"Okay then, young man. That will be one dollar."
Robin handed over his dollar and the anticipation almost caused him to hyperventilate. Finally he held his mango. Its cool, smooth skin felt like heaven against his hands. Robin gasped, closing his eyes. He rushed out of Foddertwon and down an alley, where rubbed one out with the mango. It was so much better than using a Pantene bottle. He had never felt so happy in his life.
Chapter Four
Back at the Bat Cave, Batman was succumbing to drunkenness. He had been drinking since Robin left and now, three hours later, he was still sitting in the library, heavily drunk on strawberry daiquiris, pina coladas and wine coolers. Alfred had been watching him with concern but knew not to get close to the big black crimefighter when he was in this state.
Batman stared at the TV. It was the news, something about a controversy called Corngate. But Batman was so depressed that he couldn't even think about solving crime. He switched the channel. It was Bob Saget in some extraordinarily tight pants.
Batman burst into tears. It reminded him of Robin. He stabbed the remote with his finger, flipping through a Village People video, Steve Urkel, and Step by Step. He finally landed on Home Improvement and left it, as it wasn't quite gay enough to make him think about Robin.
Some time later, Batman heard the door burst open. He drunkenly turned his head and tried to jump out of his chair. "Abdfgjkgn!" he slurred. "Robiondf!"
Robin walked into the room. He gasped audibly when he saw the state Batman was in.
"Batman, I - what's wrong? What's going on?" Robin rushed to Batman's side to help him up.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Batman shouted. Drunk, he was evermore fearsome. He drunkenly slapped Robin away but managed to hold on to his massive brandy glass. "Where - whereave youbeen?"
"Batman, I - "
"WHEREHAVEYOUBEEN?!! ANSWER ME!"
Robin's bottom lip quivered.
"It's that mango, isn't it? You've been off gallivanting with that floozy of a mango of yours, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU?"
Robin looked away, tears in his eyes.
"LOOK AT ME."
Robin turned and looked Batman in the eye.
"Batman. Please. Let's sit down." He guided his drunken lost love to his leather chair and sat down in the other one.
"Batman, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I am in love with the mango."
Batman gasped in pain, no longer seething with rage, but wracked by despair.
"But Batman - I'm so confused by your reaction! I wasn't going to tell you right away, no - I was going to make sure the mango felt the same way I did, to ensure that our relationship would be a happy, stable one - but never in a million years did I expect you to react this way!"
Batman lifted his head and stared at Robin, his eyes puffy and red, glistening with tears. They were so red that Robin suspected he may have also been hitting the bong while he'd been gone.
Robin sighed. "Batman, I never would have done this if I'd known that you loved me the way I love you. I tried so long to hide it - oh god how I tried - but it was too painful, feeling your rejection over and over again. It just seemed like I'd never have your hotdog between my buns, and it made me miserable!" Now there were tears in Robin's eyes.
"No, Robin. I'm sorry. I've been a fool. I was just confused by my feelings - I'd always felt your eyes on my hot body, ravishing it - I just figured you admired my impressive physique. But then I started to feel something more from you, and I felt those feelings back. I just didn't know how to go about it. Because, of course, as you know, the Batmobile and I share a special sexual relationship. But that's completely normal, everyone fucks their car - I didn't know that it was okay to feel desire for people too."
"Batman, of course it's okay. I'm just glad that it's all out in the open and we can get on with our relationship." Robin looked at the mango. He no longer felt the same ecstatic passion for it that he had only hours earlier.
He picked the mango up, stroking its smooth, luscious skin, thinking of their shared passion.
"Mango, I'm sorry, but I think it's best if we see other people."
The mango said nothing.
"I know, I know, it's been wonderful. It's been a whirlwind! But it's Batman, it's always been him. I'm sorry, I'm sure you understand."
The mango did not reply.
"I knew you would understand. Can we still be friends?"
The mango sat there in silence, looking less impressive in the dim light of the library.
"Okay, mango, great. I'll always remember you fondly."
Chapter Five
"Oh Batman, that was wonderful. I'd always fantasised about this but I never thought it would be this good. And here's a secret - I always thought that your Batsuit bulge was exaggerated - but now I know the truth!"
"Yes, Robin...and now you know why I make you wear a suit made of lycra!"
They giggled like two German sissy-boys, which was appropriate, given that they were wearing frilly lederhosen S&M wear. They were basking in the afterglow of their passion, feeling absolutely spent in Batman's lovedungeon. The chains hanging from the ceiling, freshly used, dangled in the light breeze that passed through the barred window.
"Robin...I'm so glad that you're into this kinky shit as well. Because now that you're old enough, my love, I can tell you that every Saturday we have an S&M night! I can't wait to show you my fist of Adonis..."
ENDUT
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