Adventures II: Time Travel Edition

You are a sandwich in a boat floating down a river in Venice. It is 1776 and in your possession is a pen and a trophy for Best Topiary Sculpture that you won when you were a hedge-clipping robot in the year 2586. As you go through the tunnel you consider what it would have been like to be a keyboard in the 1980s that has an affinity with carrier pigeons. However, when you emerge from the tunnel, it is 1992 and you are a skateboard with the ability to smell things from a very long distance. This is somewhat inconvenient for you as you have been well used and smell a bit like dog crap, old chewing gum, tequila and breastmilk. As you slowly transform into a magnifying glass with a penchant for pottery, you realise that you still have a wheel attached. Thankfully it is the one with tequila on it. You have gone from having a superior sense of smell to superior vision, and you can see that you are now in the year 1962 and you are being used by a DeadHead to see the lice in a fellow DeadHead's hair. The sight of this lice (and the music in the background) repulses you and you spontaneously morph into Michael Jackson's nose circa 2002. You've fallen off twice and damnit you're going to succeed again. The moment for your claim to fame has come. He is emerging from the hotel room. He is approaching the balcony. Now is your moment. You are about to fall into the arms of your adoring public but WAIT. He has unravelled the child from the blanket and is dangling it from the railing. That wasn't part of the plan - that wasn't part. Your moment of fame, so fleeting and perfectly timed, has been stolen by this flailing infant. You can only do one thing. You do what you always do. You malfunction and cause excessive mucous to run down Michael Jackson's face, making it appear shiny and viscous in tomorrow's papers.

You Deserve an Adventure.

So imagine that you are a crossword who likes skydiving and Mexican food. You have a penchant for ink cartridges and a talent for performance art. However, you are placed in a recycle bin and through this process you become an envelope about to embark upon the Tour de France. Later on in life you become a discarded bookmark whose favourite colour is dark purple with a hint of red. You are good at fencing and enjoy writing messages in the sand. You are left by a river one day and become an empty bottle of methylated spirits who used to belong to a drunk with Lyme Disease, but those days are long gone. At one point in time you were the Lyme Disease that the drunk contracted. You were spread by ticks and made up of malignant spirochaetes. However, one day, while on the drunk's lips, you leapt onto the bottle of methylated spirits and decided you rather liked it, so you became the bottle. After floating down the river for several days, thinking about how you'd really like to become an architect, you end up on the riverbank where you become a plum that has just fallen from a tree. You enjoy Slinkies and skateboarding, but you don't like taps or the moon. Later on today you will be pecked at by a sparrow who never misses an episode of Law & Order. By the time this happens, however, you will be a line on a piece of paper whose favourite band is Cannibal Corpse. The paper you are on used to be a pine tree. It almost became a Christmas tree but because it was an Atheist, it was turned into paper. You, the line, are not an Atheist, but a lapsed Catholic. You heavily resent your Catholic upbringing, hence your interest in death metal bands. You don't have to worry about this psychological torment for much longer though, because you are now a fork who likes laundry baskets and things that are square. You prefer liquid soap as opposed to bar soap, which tends to get stuck in your prongs. You are quite whimsical by nature, and your favourite song is "The Spanish Flea." You frequently scar children for life. This is not a problem, however, because you are now a piece of gum with the powers of clairvoyancy. You foresee a day where you become a haemorrhoid tablet who likes Burger King and white water rafting. While white water rafting one day you encounter a tapeworm who is completely smitten by you. You have a short-lived relationship, however, because when you become a piece of tape who enjoys long walks on the beach and Denny's, the tapeworm falls out of love with you and moves on to another haemorrhoid tablet. You do not despair for long, however, because as a piece of tape your options are endless. While at Denny's one day, you decide that you want to live in a booth. This is the site of one of your last transformations. You become a bobby pin who loves the smell of black vivid markers and Hitler. However, you suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and die of food poisoning when you eat a Super Bird Sandwich one day. Because you were Hindu, you are reincarnated as a pen whose leisure activities involve tennis, photography, and filling in crosswords. Your favourite TV show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When it finished, you were unable to cope and went into a deep depression. However, this was resolved when you became a bowl of vegetable korma. As you are being digested, you consider holidaying in Italy - but then you run into the tapeworm you once had a relationship with. Unable to deal with this tension, you cause the body to spontaneously combust and you end up on the ceiling of a chapel in Vegas. You fall, eventually, and when you land you are a penny. Sadly, you are almost worthless and you remain on the ground for several days, until you are vacuumed up by the janitor. You greatly enjoy this and become a daredevil penny. Soon you are famous within the coin community and get your own TV show. However, you become bored with being a famous penny, and unable to imagine another transformation, you wake up and continue to go about your daily business.